Zed with the scorebook and a signed statement by Lionel to all those who doubted he had made his maiden century recently ©Nigel Stockley

Saturday 8th July 2006
Nelson 122-9, Accrington 84-8

The match started with me winning my fourth toss in a row (out of 6) and opting to bowl first. Before I continue with the match ‘analysis’ I've had complains from a couple of clubs with regard to the rhetoric I often use on my match reports as it seems to have attracted the wrath of conservative traditionalists so I apologize and will attempt to reign myself in and not offend ‘sensitivities’.

With reference to the cricket we had a fantastic start on the field with us limiting the Nelson batters to 122-9. The only problem was that we narrowly missed out on the bonus point for bowling them out. Nevertheless this was our best day in the field with Dave ‘don’t you dare under-rate my batting’ Stubbs leading the way with 3-16 and Toq ‘I now use GT Castrol oil for brain energy’ Hussain with 2-19 putting in another top performance. The only time we had a major fielding lapse was when Jenny ‘the coma’ was caught fielding at third man playing with his ‘fine leg’.

As soon as we came in for tea it started raining. However through careful negotiation with the opposition captain he decided to give us 20 overs to get the full target. In the midst of all this debate and negotiation two of my players decided to disappear in the team Porsche. 45 minutes and 7 samosas/4 kebab roles later, Immy decided to come back. He and the second offender were given a right telling off, after which Immy retorted to gargle ‘Dooooughnut…..I need a doughnut’!

Our batting reply started disastrously with us posting 27-4 in the first four overs as we attempted to go for our shots. At that stage it was time to ‘shut up shop’ and play the remaining overs out. In the end we ended up on 84-8 and this was largely thanks to the efforts of Matt ‘I'm as chilled as a burglar on a Friday night’ Schofield (15*) and a fine 21 from Johnny‘I have got a sense of humour but I'm warning you if you attempt to take the mick out of me I’ll take offence, see it as unfair deconstructive criticism on a youngster with implicating negative connotations and ripples that will have an impact upon my future shot selection whilst batting…. therefore leaving me no choice but to proceed with far reaching liable legal action…so be warned’ Hayhurst. In the end the rain cost us 4 points and certain victory had we been given our full allotment of 46 overs, nevertheless our batting blew our slim chances of victory with the revised over rates. A disappointing 2 points taken from the game but a good team performance with the ball and in the field.