Zed with the scorebook and a signed statement by Lionel to all those who doubted he had made his maiden century recently ©Nigel Stockley

Sunday 25th June 2006
Accrington 234-9, Lowerhouse 220-7

I lost the second toss in a row and the Lowerhouse captain asked me to bat first. With us showing consistency in our batting in the past few games I asked my players to get me a minimum of 200 runs, and they obliged. At one stage we raced to 160-7 off only 30 overs and it was looking 50-50 for us to get 200.

What surprised me was that the Accy tail wagged and in style, it was like a dog on heat (got to 234-7). Normally an Accy tail contributing at any senior level is as rare as a successful Spenny attempt on a night out on the ‘pull’…. Somebody should point out to the guy that going home with someone called John or Paul is not normally classified in heterosexual circles as a ‘successful pull’.

Mark ‘I love sniffing glue’ Williams came in at No 9 (scored 19) on his first 3rd 11 game of the season managed to put on a crucial 50 run partnership with Toq ‘somebody quick resuscitate my flat lined brain with electric currents’ Hussain. Toq played a fantastic knock of 56 that included 4 massive sixes and in my opinion is the most gifted under 17 cricketer at Accy C.C with both bat and bowl and just needs to work on his concentration levels when fielding. The latter point I'im sure he will sort out in good time, as long as he does not listen to the steroid induced batting and bowling ‘guru’, Wazza ‘look at my fine inflated man boobs’ Hussain. Otherwise the resulting damage to his cricketing potential will be colossal….almost as colossal as Wazzas Herculean chest (got more hydrogen in it than a hot air balloon).

Getting back to the cricket, other than Toq scoring his maiden 50 everyone contributed in the top order Saggy ‘the jock’ Hussain got a rapid 30, Rick ‘the vice’ 21, and myself and Waqas 19. I was confident that we had enough runs on the board to win, taking into account my self-expectant prophecy of us fielding like wet sausages on an Alaskan ice rink. 13 dropped catches later (7 of them by first teamers!) the Lowerhouse innings was complete on 220-7 (won by 14 runs). The most successful bowlers were surprisingly myself with 2-37 and toq 2-53 off our 10 over spells

How much more can I insult my team and their fielding? A lot more! is the short answer to that. My team couldn’t catch bird flu if they were incubating in a Vietnamese hen hut never mind a bloody ball…I'm lost for words and can offer no explanation although with the recent revelation on the news, there is the possibility that they been chomping on salmonella laced Cadbury’s chocolate bars in recent weeks, after all something is slowing their reflexes down. Anyway I'm off now to look for a starter motor or a mentally deranged scientist who’ll be willing to inject my team with brain serum or battery fluid (whatever will work to kick-start them in the field!....im desperate). Aside from the fielding, it was good batting and bowling, 3 wins in a row, roll on the thirds.